I AM A LOSER, NUMBER 1 LOSER.
Finding
out that there is no way I can achieve my love is hard and painful. I
am living it every micro second of the day. But accepting my faults
and getting up from the fall and regretting the curses I said
about my own life were all fun. At the end of this work week though
ironical, I am laughing. Lot of events this week kept me away from what
I love to do most my poetry. But the harm done is small. I am getting
back to Tess. I hope I will be able to relax a bit more this weekend
than in the week.
This is an old poem I wrote in 1999. Those of you have visited LonelyPoet.Com might’ve read this poem. Here is the situation I wrote on top of the poem when it was first released in LonelyPoet.Com
“This is the longest poem I have ever written. It took only three days
to complete, but what is in the poem is all real. For a long time now I
was going through a sort of a bad patch, and I never thought about
writing anything about it. I wrote the starting of the poem sitting at
work at that time my close friend Ian Schulman called me on the phone
and we were talking about all the things that happened in the last
eight months and he asked me to write about it. That gave me this idea
which starts in the present goes into a dream and ends somewhere in
between. I dedicate this poem to the tall lean sweet-heart of mine.”
At
that time it was dedicated to “Her” I’ve moved on but history repeated
though not in the same way or situation. I failed my own conscience
once more and went after a wild dream. I should’ve never done that
considering my age. I acted worse than a mad man and I am sorry for it,
though sad and feel the pain of lost love in the same way I felt around
six years ago. On a similar day I wrote the above said paragraph and
started writing the following poem. Now I modified a line in the poem
so it is kinda a fresh version.
The Flame.
Oh’ I wonder about these days,
Cold and frozen in all ways.
Looking up at the sky I see,
The sun that lost all his glory,
And at night a pale old moon,
Playing hide and seek behind the clouds,
All set for the rebirth of a good old dream.
From my younger years I built,
An empire so fragile,
Which some call as the journey,
Some define as a drama,
Where everyone an actor.
Days, weeks, years and decades I passed,
Which I proudly call as my life.
All the time in my soul a flame I carried,
Which more than my life I cared,
In the wild paths of life,
Which redefined passion and care ,
In the enlightment of dreams,
When blinded by passions,
The flame carried me along,
Giving warmth and comfort,
In the frozen loveless days.
With the flame all my life I carried,
I kindled a candle that never melts,
The candle kept me warm,
After fate turned its bad side on me,
Fate became a cold-blooded monster,
Pierced its claws deep.
Thrown out from the track,
Penniless, jobless and broken-hearted,
Knowing no pain, no feeling all frozen I lie,
But shivered when heard the blame on her,
Blames that became storm of curses,
And me left with the choice of her or the flame,
Ran to her with no more thoughts,
And cloaked her with my wings of love,
When the storm of curses spread the fury of fate,
Blinded by the snow and high speed winds,
I felt the warmth of the flame,
Looked up and down and all around,
I still felt the warmth of the flame,
In the end in the cloak I looked,
And saw her holding the candle I lit.
The dream passed by like a monster cloud,
With ear piercing thunders, that echoed so loud,
Into my ears the echoes whispered;
“The life of a dream remains,
In the soul of the dreamer,
The fulfillment of a dream,
Is in the light the dream leaves,
In the heart of the dreamer”.
In these dark days of mine,
When everything around seems,
Frozen by the fury of fate,
With the light of that flame,
That shows me my dreams,
I see my ways to her,
And the warmth of that flame,
Saves me from becoming,
Yet another frozen soul.
©RIAZAHAMMED.COM. This poem was released in LonelyPoet.Com in the winter of 1999.
I really don’t want to add another post here so I am editing the post I made yesterday.
I
have severe pain on my twisted neck and shoulder. I was supposed to
post an introduction portion of my Tess poem here. Now when I look at
it I think I will wait when it is all over and this pain goes away.
I
am changing the background song once more. It is called ‘Original Sin’
a song from the album “Songs From The West Coast” by Elton John. Listen
to the lyrics of this song it is wonderful. I love the video of this,
in which Mandy Moore is featured with Elizabeth Taylor and Elton John
himself as the old guy. There they show the back of a young Elton
John but in another video from the same album we can figure out whose
back it was, Justine Timberlake. I am just watching the music
video collection of mine. I am sorry if the post above is depressing,
that is the way love and life works, I will survive this. Here is
a short poem I wrote in my update at LonelyPoet.Org
Do you understand what I say?
Do you understand my handicap?
My hands and tongue are tied,
Untie them with your words,
You write upon this heart in pain,
And filled with your face and thoughts.
As I don’t drink or do drugs my friend was surprised when she read aportion of the poem I wrote which I sent to her in IM then she told me “Hey, thisis beautiful insanity..” haha