Month: May 2012

I Failed

This is a very busy week. It’s just that I don’t have a lot of time, the things I do are really contradictory. Monday evening helped my sister-in-law’s cousin to move to New Berlin, WI. Yesterday I went to see the Brewers game. Today I woke up at 4:30AM to be at work for an early morning meeting. Today evening going to help sister-in-law’s cousin to get the rest of the stuff to her new house, tomorrow is going to be another day like today. Then Friday at 7:00AM I should be at the Indian Consulate in Chicago. Come back in the evening as I don’t move a lot in Chicago for “interesting” reasons. then prepare for my sister-in-law’s cousin’s house warming which is at first light on Saturday morning that will be 4:00AM. Whew…. Long days and week ahead.

   Now how did this poem happen? Yesterday early morning onwards someone was hitting on my blog site and I was wondering who is it. I emailed one person who did such a thing long time back asking if she did that or not. But later I figured out it was some sort of bot on Xanga that does that. Well at least it brought back some old memories and I went through an interesting comment she once left on one my posts. She once left a comment on my site and I accidentally deleted that comment. I went to her blog and apologized for that. Here is what she said. “You have no need to be sorry at all. My one comment will be made up by all of the others that I post here, I promise that to you in return.
I must say, everyday that I come home from work, school, dance, etc, I always look forward to seeing your posts and comments…and I want to thank you. I am always honored to be your Mo Cushle, and will always be as such.” Sure she is still as such, even though, she grew up and once in a while scares me with some thoughts that come into her mind. Well, in fact we don’t’ communicate much these days at all. So, when I read that comment for some unknown reason the image that came to my mind was a small canoe moving through the water. With that in mind I wrote the following poem.

Dedicated to that wonderful Darling Girl.

The Unseen Dance.

 The canoe in the waves of lake swayed,
Like the heart that felt love of the one she loved,
Her girly ways kept her hidden,
The yearning through every corner of life screamed,
Deep in the mind a twitch she felt,
Ah’ the wonders of love, ageless stood,
Then step by step in the rhythm of his heartbeat danced.

The reddish skin by the late spring sun kissed,
The boat in steady pace moved,
The wind and water in sync took,
Her through the grooves of life she wished to feel.
But when every moment to the fullest she felt,
His heartbeat in dancing rhythm she felt,
And her love in the rhythm of his heartbeat danced.

Nothing in the universe stale stays,
Everything at speeds beyond imaginations move,
And we all along with them move,
One bright light motionless upon her stayed,
The light in a soul with love for her filled,
Though chaos of all kinds deep inside the source of that light brewed,
Every moment of remembrance of her melted the chaos,
And to make that light bright exploded,
Ah’ she moved all around in the guidance that light shown,
Unknowing the rays danced in the rhythm of her heartbeat.

©RIAZAHAMMED.COM.All Rights Reserved.2012.

I would love to put the picture of the image of the girl in my head when I wrote this. But honestly I am very “Afraid” of the consequences of that action.

Enjoy if you can.

The Dancing Darling.

The rhythm of music deep from the heart played,
Words of a wonderful love poem through every vein moved,
Ah’ they both in every bit of thoughts untied,
Movement of hands and legs became the extension of those thoughts.

The true viewer in amazement watched,
The onlooker stood away in silence,
The critic with a smile on the face sat,
All the three united in me to enjoy a nice dance show.

©RIAZAHAMMED.COM. All Rights Reserved. 2012.

Photo “Silhouettes Of Couple Jumping“courtesy FreeDigitalPhotos.net

Friday ended in a happy note. I am always glad when I know a specific person read my blog or poem. I may not really write very pleasant things everyday, however I write with the thought, I cannot make everyone happy on every given day, still I am looking for ways in which I can make that one person smile every time that person visit my blog. Like I always say, I don’t keep anything in mind, when I say it out in my blog or during my show it is over and I move on. So I slept late on Friday and woke up a bit earlier than I expected on Saturday I looked around my house and like I said on Friday, it is a mess. I looked at it all and asked… “Isn’t your love life a bigger mess that this?” I laughed mockingly at myself and watched T.V almost all day until I fell asleep. I woke up at about 6:00PM and prepared for the show. The blogtv show with Ashley was awesome. Right when I was reading a fantastic poem she wrote we got featured and there we go more than 500 viewers and Ashley got all shy. It is not easy to talk to people who one doesn’t know. So it became like a T.V show from then on.

  My buddy texted me from Boston that he and his wife are coming to Milwaukee early morning on Sunday, I said “I will be there buddy” so I woke up early and went to airport and picked him up and dropped him at his home. Once I got back home, I started cleaning…. OMG it was a half a day job but I wiped the whole house clean with anti bacterial wipes. If anyone saw me cleaning up, it would have been the funniest thing to watch a short, hairy, big bellied guy in boxer shorts wearing facemask and rubber gloves cleaning up the place. Then I told myself ..”You are not that old”… hehehe I wish…But my back pain is gone now, that’s a relief. I slept a bit more and my buddy texted me. So I went to downtown and picked him and his wife and came to Bayshore. We ate dinner at the California Pizza Kitchen and they dropped me home and took my car and went to do some shopping. I came home and watched Game Of Thrones and Borgias.. That’s the weekend folks.

   To end this I had this thought.. in this world no matter what one achieves and no matter what is given to anyone, when one thought comes to mind, it truly burns inside, that thought is the one you love do not love you at all. For many, many years I am training in many ways to live with that burning but you know what, I am an epic fail in whatever method I tried.

Have a sweet, sweet week ahead.

Lone.

When looking at my “To Do” list, I see it will take couple of people to do all that I need to do. So I am leaving this earlier than expected. There were no blogs last week. I said I am cancelling all blogs and shows until I get settled with the “Dream Architect”.

  It will not be easy for anyone to really understand these days. Some try to interpret things through logic. Some try to interpret through astrology. Some just say they believe in science even though they no nothing about science. As for me I don’t belong to any of these groups. I am the “Lonely” Poet isn’t it? To be honest with you I sincerely believe there is more out there beyond our five senses can comprehend. So I’d say those that I can understand are all what I truly need.

   Now to a great extend I got petrified while trying to make a major change in my writing habits. Honestly it just did not work in the way I wanted it to work. To say in another way, the dream architect right now I have is an epic fail. To say openly, she is more interested in my private life than dealing with what I gave her. The responses were outrageous that tells me the previous one was an angel. It is hard very hard to make a change like that and for someone to play along. So it is bothering me in everything I do. My house is an incredible mess. I weigh 230lbs at 5 foot 6 inch height that is a little too much body weight and my back is paining. Nothing much happening at work (which is not really my fault as off shore developers were hired way ahead of time than needed), In Fact the positive things I hoped to happen did not happen at all. This is indeed the time when I need “all of my luck” .. hehehehe.. I will speak nothing more of it.

   I am preparing for a busy summer. I am pretty sure this is one summer I will have to do things worth remembering for lifetimes ahead.

I will do a blogtv show tomorrow as one of my very young friend emailed me saying “I miss you”. She is someone who once came to my show and I was about to kick her out saying she is too young to be in my show. She told her age in 2008 as 14 years old. Then she told me just co-host me. I did, and saw a pretty looking 14 year old with a baby. I asked “Is that your sister or brother you are holding” she said with a smile, “No, this is my baby” me and Pugli one of my friend from Finland were stunned. That girl was a rape victim. From that day onwards she was the only one in her age group allowed in my shows (until Laura came with her daughter Anna). She is the only one who knows my mobile phone number. Last time I talked to her was in 2009 when she called me and said she is moving. Yesterday when I saw one of her recording on blogtv, I saw she got another baby. That’s fantastic to see that she is doing fine after a catastrophe in her life. I said this here because, that is one girl who took life as it happened and lived with it, proving to the world as long as you are breathing there is chance for you to live life to the fullest.

   Then there is another girl who wants a line to be drawn in a shape she wants and me to dance over it. That’s another way of living. I respect her too however she chose silence (she is the only one who can command me to do a show anytime)  but I invite her to be in that show too if she is free and if she reads this before the show.

Expect nothing then you will know the sweetness of what you gained.

Enjoy this Friday.

 

When I bought my house I called it “Happiness Memorial” Many asked why would I use the word memorial and I said “I used the word monument when I said a greeting once and that monument makes me happy every time I think about that monument” what an evasive speech, later I thought as I hid the person in what I said. Those who heard it frowned but as they know it is not a good idea to confront me with their thoughts they all said nothing, even though I heard the echo from their mind that said “Whatever.” This poem was written with the “Darling Girl” in mind as everyday the monument is trying in all possible ways to fade away from my eyes.

Happiness Memorial.

 

“You the one who still may read.” She meant when she spoke,
Can’t even tell my name to address,
Hatred in her injected by serpents in protection around her crawl,
And they spit more venom as these days they won.

Time ahead none knows,
Time we passed we both know,
What in the past we cared in happiness bound,
Though in every corner of my mind a thought about her brings,
Happiness and cheerfulness I once for her wished,
This day my conscience bow in defeat, in her silent misunderstandings.

Never ever I will forgive all that became the reasons for the fall,
I leave her for her own cause,
But dear, always count on the stretched hands of mine.
If ever by the venom of those serpents you fall,
As the love of mine will be the anti-venom they can’t sustain,
Still looking at the raising sun in the morning I prayed,
Never ever to give a chance for the anti-venom to be used.

Such were the thoughts of mine when the morning spread,
Breathless, mother nature motionless stood,
When looking at the fading stars I once more prayed,
May this day make her the standing monument of happiness in the world.

©RIAZAHAMMED.COM. All Rights Reserved. 2012.

Taking the word “Architect” from the movie Inception, I now call the model girl my dream architect. Like I said couple of days back there is a new girl. She is cute, hot and a brutally outspoken girl. Anyway we are not able to get any compatible chat at all because when I say water, she will say moon that’s what is going on now. But at least she is chatting hehehe. Now during the chatting one thing she asked again and again was what exactly I am looking for. I said this is more of a mind game than anything else. The problem is one will lose the difference of fantasy and reality altogether. That confused her big time. I still don’t know if this is the right girl and what I wrote below as a poem is derived out of the chat I had with the girl except the part I am saying about what is in my soul already. I hope someone will find it a bit interesting.

Have a sweet evening everyone.

To The New Dream Architect.

Grab me by my conscience; break the silence of my soul,
Build the castle, in which we can roam,
Like silly love birds, singing and filling hearts with love.

Take the words of mine from the scattered thoughts of mine,
Like a goldsmith takes the dusts of gold,
Merge in your emotions and in your soul melt,
And pour it upon the soul of mine.

But careful in every action and words you should be,
For in my soul you will see prints of another soul, engraved,
Whose image you will never see,
Whose voice you will never hear,
Never bother her even with your thoughts,
As nothing ever from my soul will unbind,
Those thoughts, laughs and disappointments we shared,
But lost all in the tears we shed,
When times through lives played an uncouth dance,
And we fell apart with a generation standing in between.

Never give me the pain of waiting,
Never fail to ask a question in mind,
Fear not about the intentions of mine,
For in purity cast are my thoughts,
And purer than the tears of a newborn are my intentions.

About my love and relationship never you should ask,
For there exists a girl with all pure intentions I looked,
The crazy world, the crooked world Oh and me in it all,
Made her leave a mark in my soul,
A mark that will make me feel,
Her in my soul forever and forever,
Never will I let another soul love mine,
For a criminal I will become in faking the love of mine.

Writer I am and none else I am,
Stories and poems of mine are all you should care,
The poet is a reason for lighting a flame in reader’s soul,
What burns in there the poet can’t control,
Know that well when you leave a smiling image for me.
 

©RIAZAHAMMED.COM. All Rights Reserved-2012.

Have you all seen the movie Inception? It is a fascinating movie to watch. For many people who have seen the movie for many reasons like just seeing Leonardo Di Caprio, felt totally lost after seeing the movie.  I did not watch the movie in theaters. But I watched the movie on HBO some months back and the first time I saw it, in about 15 minutes of the movie I really laughed and said.. “Isn’t it exactly what I am doing to myself in the last seven years?” Yeah.. if you haven’t seen the movie and is a fan of my poetry then watch the movie, my poetry will make more sense to you.

   Now I will tell you this..  In this movie a dream is constructed by an architect and the dream is seen by another person. They go into the subconscious mind of people and they go to a deeper level which means, a dream within a dream and they go for three levels. I hope you all are not lost here at this point. It means… that someone goes to a subconscious level and generates an idea at that level. There is something called Totem in the movie. This is an object used by the dreamers to check whether they are in a dream or in reality. The girl Ellen Page is the architect in the movie. She is one heck of an actress. She maybe small but wow every time I saw this movie she made me say “wow”. As for Leonardo Di Caprio who is the dreamer he got an issue of his dead wife comes as a projection in his dreams. That is a major catastrophe for him in the movie. I hope by this time you all understood why I wrote this whole post. If not, watch the movie Inception again.

All of you have a great weekend. By the way.. for people who peek into my blog should know that I know exactly who comes there and when you come there, and I hope I told one specific person a while back, how much I love when you step into my blog in the middle of the night that triggers a set of notification to go off and wake me up? Then I take a totem, just to feel, if I am in a dream or in real.

This is pretty bad….

I looked at my journal notes… All looks the same like the weekend and week blog I posted last Sunday. So I am not going to repeat anything.

The book is closed and the pen cleaned and dried out. Still….

I am going to tell something that happened a long time back.

Once when I was staying in a hotel in New York, I met this wonderful lady called Jennifer. She was pretty and really wonderful to talk to. I had a romantic interest with her. That ended this way…
One evening me and couple of others who were staying at the hotel were sitting and eating dinner.. .Jennifer joined us and we had dinner and then we went outside to smoke. After that I was saying bye to every one and my friend Tom hugged me, his wife Patricia hugged and kissed me and I turned to Jennifer who said “I don’t’ want to hug or kiss” I said sorry for giving her that thought and went into my room. I never felt bad about it because people have different comfort zones. For instance, I am not really comfortable in any creature touching me, like cats or dogs or birds or anything like that. Later in the night I went out again for a smoke and some new guests were moving in. They came in with their pet Labrador and what I saw was Jennifer hugging and kissing the dog. I didn’t say anything; I just went outside and lighted up a cigarette. Seeing me standing outside and smoking, Jennifer came out and asked, “Hey can I borrow the lighter?” I said “Light it up from the spark you get from the fuck of the dog.”

  I am not angry that much or that way anymore. Still….

 

Hello. hello,

    I am so sorry that I did not post a weekdays blog on Friday. Now I have to admit another fact. Couple of months back I decided to leave all anger, jealousy and pride. I came to a peaceful existence till about couple of weeks back. Then an atom bomb fell on my emotions. I got to be honest with all of you. I tried to play along a good nice game but what it did was just rewind me back to anger and other bullshit that goes along with it. Anyway it did one thing, ended a dreamy life. It was not easy but that reality should happen one or the other way and it did happen. The bizarre fact is.. I don’t feel free.

   Well that leaves a trillion dollar question, what is next. I have to take you all back about 23 years back when I first wrote something in English. It was the translation of a Malayalam song into English to impress a girl. That opened me to writing things of my own. Even long before that a boy who called around his friends and told stories and talked to himself a lot more than he talked to anyone was looking for a transformation and the evolution happened.

   If you the reader is bored by now.. stop reading and find something else on the web. If you are interested continue reading this.

   That evolution I talked about brought a predominantly leftist minded man across to the middle of capitalist monopoly. You know what I enjoyed every bit of the change and wonderful process of life that goes on in America. However I lost one thing, the ability to talk to myself. To compensate that I talked to others a lot and then took tit bits out of those, then talk it through and write poetry. It gave a unique style of writing and helped me to break every rule I learned about writing poetry. In 1998 I met a girl who helped me a bit to write. Then she was lost to I don’t know what…as I fell in love with another woman and that was a disaster from which it took couple of years for me to get out. Then came a long break of nearly four years of writing nothing much worthwhile. Then I met a young girl who came as a blessing to the poet. And I wrote and wrote and wrote. I have to confess, for the last seven years she ruled the dreams of a poet. And the poet wrote well, very well. Well most of the seven years went by really fast for the poet. But the reality of things is there is man who got lost in the whole process. In fact the man woke up on Friday for a long sleep. The poet was muted and the man spoke to himself after couple of decades. That’s the good news. The bad news.. there is no major bad news. A badly shaped man with couple of nasty, but not serious diseases is what the poet left. Then I read some of my own works and said “It was all worth the effort”.

   I cannot say anything in a nutshell anymore. I have already over spoken. To answer what is next is not easy and I wish things were different. Way different that the little boy never forgot to speak to himself. That some painful reality made him speak to himself again. The truth is all these years I’ve been waiting. The one thing I hate most. The one thing that hurt me most and that one thing is what was thrust upon me in the last two weeks. Whoever came up with that idea won and the man is no longer healthy to carry a dreaming poet.

   I know one day this has to happen and I thought there is another dream I can weave. I am so sorry I spoke to myself a little too late. I cannot ask another person to bear the burden of carrying an emotional catastrophe. I am not ending anything, I am not starting anything. If there is fire that fire need to be blown up and I no longer have the strength, courage or confidence to do that.

    The above said is the reason why I did not wrote a weekly blog and in this weekend blog which I am posting about 12 hours earlier I am saying all that I said. It may all sound crazy and simple to many but understand the angry blogger, the romantic poet and the man who chose escapes than confrontations all are the products of that craziness. I said this before too and I came back. I will come back if I am well emotionally and physically. You will see me on my shows and the show will continue. But what new poems I will write I may have to figure out. Who will I use as a model? I don’t know. I don’t even know if I ever will use a model again.

  And to her, you are one of the best personalities I’ve ever met. If I were younger and better I would have fought a war of the worlds to gain your love. But other than one time I felt a good feeling to you. I always cared not to run my emotions astray in a direction that I felt real true love for you. Other than that one occasion all the time I only had the purest intentions of online communication that helped me to write. I sincerely apologize if I ever hurt you emotionally. I wish you well and from the bottom of my heart I thank you for the last effort to reach to me. But I think you are too late I cannot control myself to be patient and I yearned constant communication which is not possible for you.  So lets end this whole “mess” here.
  I will continue my blogtv shows until I figure out an alternative for everything. Right now I feel as if the whole world is falling apart around me. Literally.. it is fucking thundering outside.