Category: Den Videos

It is not the sanity of the world,
Or my own sanity that makes me happy,
It is my insanity that makes me happy.

Question me not in the paths I take,
Where phantoms behind veil of dark hide.
Walk not ahead of me,
For you will slow me down,
Walk not behind me,
For you will fall back,
Walk with me to the future times,
Where in the held hands promises will flutter,
The promise of shared gladness kept,
In cocoons of love nests we built,
From which in fulfillment they evolve,
Into the happiness of those times.

©RIAZAHAMMED.COM. All Rights Reserved-2015.

For the fear truth went unspoken,
You spoke not for the fear of my obsessive brutality,
I spoke not for the fear of losing you.

But mind cannot hold the truth,
Mine being my love for you which to hide I tried,
Into a past with anger and misfortunes built,
Out of time hardened stubbornness.

The feeling in me persisted,
And the unknown unknowingly synchronized,
Every time a man touch you,
Heartbeats slows down, veins tightens,
And all ends in pain released through every cell in my body,
And the soul screaming to be heard, to be loved.

Every time all that as an insanity I accept,
Insanity into a sane mind injected,
With love only for you.

©RIAZAHAMMED.COM. All Rights Reserved-2015.

May the scents of spring wrap you in the winter cold,
May the warmth of summer take a smile from your face,
May the colors of fall sprout from your eyes,
On this day and everyday hereafter …
Happy Sweet Sweet Birthday MoCuishle.

With Love..
Riaz

There are times when one does things with a view in mind without much thought and ends up in a terrible place and it really hurts from every sense and love screams in clutches of life for forgiveness. I seek it and asking for it to you my darling.

“I am so sorry for what I did,
It was stupid,
And immature,
And unforgivable,
And I know this is an impossible thing for me to ask,
But you have to find a way to forgive me,
Because I don’t want to live my life without you.”

Hey hey…
Life just told me this “You have the right to remain fucked up, anything you do to change that will be used against you to fuck you up further..”

You may not need me honey, but I need you.

The one person who can understand me…C’mon wake up and say hellooo… you know why? You are the only one who survived and shown me that there is something that can be done to change this fucked up life.

And as usual.. I forgot to say…hmmm I love you …

When I was young, teachers, older relatives and many of my friends always asked me to read books, comics, magazines. What I always read was newspaper I was eager to know the present. Everyday I read, many, many papers. Listened to radio, radio from all around the world. I was deeply into music, drama and stories from around the world. The radio we had at home was something that got most of my attention than many of my relatives. It was sometime in 1984 when we got Television at home. Then everyday I watched T.V. Whatever stupid thing that is shown on T.V I watched it. My reading of newspaper continued but I only listened to radio once in a while. Why I didn’t read a lot of fiction? Because on everything I myself had a version or story. The world may unite in force and prove me wrong. And the world proved me wrong many, many times. People laughed at me, some still mocks me as a fool who never learned. Even the people I thought who understood me, eventually got all ‘stressed’ out and fell apart.

“Patience, world, patience”

I smiled and got up and walked around. I sat and thought about and talked to myself about another of my own version of something I’ve heard on T.V

I can stay like this for age if that’s what it takes. I won’t change a bit, because of all the people in this world, I know one thing… I am not wrong. I am not saying everyone of the rest of the 7 billion people out there is wrong. That’s not up to me to judge.

Then I asked, “What is it that you are not wrong about?” That question which sprouted from my own conscience angered me.

I took my phone, looked at the picture of the girl I love (which is the background of the phone) and it calmed me down. Then I said…

“I was not wrong in leaving my mother land and all I knew to be independent, I was not wrong in standing for the right things to do at work, where all that I got were dishonesty, lies and betrayal. I was no wrong in walking out of jobs. I was not wrong in trying to settle down in a place I love.”

Then I thought, I have gone through all that for a reason. And that reason was a decision which I took long time back before I came to USA to find love on my own. Find a girl whom I can love, make her understand who I am. Understand her and earn her love, share my life to the fullest with her and live a long, long life. I know if I stayed in India none of this might have happened. I would have faced the incredible interference of people who love me unconditionally.

I came to USA…

I looked for love

I found her, I made her understand who I am…. She loved me…

I found a version of my story for that love….

All that I said through that story ended up as criticism of her actions… The one story I wish I can rewrite. The one story like a stone thrown hurt her.. The one person I should have never hurted.

For the first time directly I admit… I love her
There is none to listen…. It is all becoming the crazy ramblings of a story teller. Whose story none understood…

Ah’ hey, my version of my own self is…I am just a vagabond who stopped by at her door step and sought a blessing and she gave me love. That one moment I felt it… I will cherish it forever.

Now when another girl comes to me and even gives me a hint of getting close to me… I will pull my phone out and show the background to her saying “Here is my girl”. Such is the prettiness of my darling… most of the them walk away saying “Lucky you”

Ah’ luck……I will speak about it another day.

It is a crazy world out there… yeah, almost everyone says that. But what makes one think the world is crazy? I tried asking that question and the answers are very vague.
I am a crazy guy, I agree, that craziness comes from a part that makes people laugh, angry and sometime cry. I mix it all. The call that I am a crazy person comes when I do everything else other than make people laugh. There are people who believe I am a dark horse unleashed and I have no destination.
Well it is true that I don’t show a lot of self esteem or I have none at all. The reason is I don’t care what people think about me. I have lost a lot of people who called me friend because of this. I don’t care about them either. Why should I? Hey the one person I call “My Darling” left me for another guy as I told the truth she herself accepted. I gave only stress to her.. the one part I regret. Said that, I apologized… do you know apology is not a one word speech.. it is a step by step process where the last part is the one word speech. I think I am ready for that one word speech… but I am pretty sure it will be to thin air. Otherwise miracles should happen….. well as I know my life very well….miracles doesn’t happen to me. Hey even after putting myself again and again in life’s wonderful moments, LIFE not really happened to me after the age of about 16. So many-a-times I act like a 16 year old…. If that gave stress to anyone… My sincere apologies … I am really sorry.

A ten thousand times I asked… Why her? Sometime by the end of March in 2005… Then I saw this movie.. those last words went like this..

Mo Cuishle Means, My Darling, My Blood.

Yes… the fantastic venom of love got injected into me…

Mo Cuishle Means, My Darling, My Blood

Here is the chnaged look.